5 Co-Parenting Tips for Newly Divorced Parents
Any divorcing parent knows that one of the most complex parts of a marital ending is feeling forced to stay connected to someone you very often don’t want to see or spend time around. Not all co-parenting situations are toxic. Many couples find that parenting is much easier after separating, but the readjustment to parenting separately can be tricky for anyone.
Children are one of the most significant stressors on a marriage, and even when that marriage ends, the co-parenting relationship maintains its level of stress. Once your custody is set, you will face all sorts of issues and circumstances that will challenge you. Reflect on your parenting strategies and how to best cope with your Ex as you move forward, figuring out what this new relationship means and how you want it to go.
Productive co-parenting isn’t about following any particular formula.
Each divorce relationship has a unique dynamic, story, and situation. There are, however, techniques, strategies, and practices that can improve both the co-parenting dynamic and each partner’s personal experience of that relationship.
In my work with divorce, my focus is almost always on what each person can work on within themselves. I encourage couples and individuals to refrain from changing or controlling their partners and instead focus on their personal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Based on that philosophy, here are five unique strategies you can use to improve your co-parenting relationship that are entirely within your control.
Use empathy and your child’s perspective.
Having compassion for an Ex can be hard when there has been betrayal, hurt, or rejection, but this is an essential component to co-parenting. Seeing the situation through your child’s eyes will help you drop down into your heart, and it will give you a different perspective as you deal with your Ex. Children want to feel loved, spend time with their parents, and feel safe, so if you can make your primary intention to help them, you’ll be co-parenting from a compassionate place. As you co-parent, remember that it’s more about your child than you, and stepping into that place of empathy will be a good reminder. No matter how much you struggle with your Ex, your children are always the priority.
Set clear boundaries and maintain structure.
Your marital relationship shifted into something different from the minute your marriage ended, but you may still be engaging in old matrimonial dynamics. Many of the ways you interacted with your Ex in marriage are no longer appropriate or necessary. A lack of good boundaries will make it even harder to transition into a new way of relating. Becoming clear about what works for you as you move forward and untangling the relationship will help you set healthy boundaries. Examples include how your children get picked up, whether your Ex has a key to the house, and what kind of contact is when you have the kids.
Relinquish control and accept what’s happening.
There may be things you disapprove of when it comes to your Ex’s parenting style or how they are spending time with the kids. You may also feel differently about introducing a new partner or dating when parenting time. The reality is that more often than not, you have no say over how your Ex decides to live. Unless the situation is dangerous or neglectful, you need to learn to accept and let go of your need to control what happens in your absence. You also can’t control how your Ex behaves, so instead of trying to control or change what’s happening, learn to let go, accept and work with it as best you can. Releasing is one of the most brutal consequences of co-parenting and the one thing that can reduce unnecessary stress.
Maintain your values and live from integrity.
No matter how frustrated or annoyed you feel about co-parenting with your Ex, maintaining your integrity and sticking to your values is essential. It’s easy to get pulled into ugly dynamics or engage in destructive behavior when your buttons are pushed, but keeping your cool and staying true to yourself will feel better than reacting. It can help to list the traits and qualities you want to uphold as you co-parent. These might include patience, kindness, respect, or grace. These are very hard to stick to when dealing with someone who doesn’t have the same agenda, but rising above and taking the high road will be better for you and your kids.
Enjoy your time off.
Many parents spend the whole time they don’t have their children worrying and waiting for them to come back. It’s hard not to see your children half the time, but this alone time can also be considered a silver lining. The more you take care of yourself by using that time to re-boot and replenish, the better you’ll be for your children when you have them. Try practicing self-care, spending time with friends, exercising, or just having quiet time. All of these healthy forms of self-support will lead to a greater sense of happiness, and you’ll have more space for your caregiving and for dealing with your Ex.
Learning to co-parent well is a very growth-promoting process. You’re gaining skills in negotiating, compromising, and stretching your internal capacities for compassion, patience, and empathy. All aspects of divorce can transform the self, so co-parenting another arena for becoming a better person will shift your focus and intention as you manage this challenging part of the process.
